An Argument for Partying

Why you need to go to parties and what to bring with you when you do

Consider this a note to my husband containing scientific and joyful reasons to let me throw however many parties I want. I do it for our wellbeing and the health of the people we love.

One thing about me is I love a social theory. We can thank my shining star liberal arts education for that. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to understand why things are the way they are. I have never been one to accept things at face value. I probably have said the words “nothing is that black and white” one hundred times in the past year (That’s once every 3.65 days) (My poor husband). Recently, I have been consumed by all of the post-pandemic conversations about how we don’t spend time together anymore.

First, I would like to point out that this decline started long before CoVid. As chief social scientist in my home, I reject how much *stuff* people want to blame on the pandemic. Was it absolutely traumatic? Yes! Did it bring out the worst in many of us and exaggerate many of our already negatively trending social tendencies? Absolutely! However, the key phrase there is “already negatively trending” — we were well on our way to being unattached, antisocial, lonely, and unhealthy.

Anyways, my point is that across academia, journalism, and the arts there remains this sentiment of loneliness. Studies after studies show how we, especially as Americans, aren’t getting together (socially) as much, aren’t connecting with one another, and don’t know our neighbors. Our friendships are suffering from a fast paced, get more done, let’s grab a quick coffee culture. One of the earlier publications on this concept, Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam (published in 2000), discusses our steady decline of participation in civic organizations, social clubs, and bowling leagues. I could (and would be thrilled to) sit and talk all day about why this is, but the fact of the matter is it’s happening, has happened, and is deeply effecting our health on a societal, community, and personal level.

On a societal and community level, these connections to one another are our truest and earliest concepts of social security. I have quite literally never asked a neighbor for a cup of sugar. It’s not a surprise to me that we have become so easily polarized, quick to judge, and hateful towards one another. No connection, means no compassion, no understanding. On a personal level, studies show that people with more diverse and abundant social circles are less likely to develop heart disease and more likely to live longer. Being with loved ones boosts serotonin, social competence, and self-confidence. One thing that Blue Zones have in common besides delicious food? Community. They eat together, and they love and support their neighbors.

For me, hosting is an act of creativity, and of love. I get to build something, cook something, and use my unique set of skills for the people I care about. This bolsters my own confidence, brings people together, and gives us an opportunity to learn from one another. When did we stop appreciating all of the things that our friends can teach us? When did we stop asking each other for help? I feel our obsession with our social perception (which again, I can and would love to theorize about why *cough social media*) has outweighed our actual meaningful societal participation. AKA if it’s not something that raises my perceived social image (if I can’t post picture of it on Instagram and/or have it make me seem cool or significant) then it doesn’t have value. We’re really struggling to foster meaningful connections and it shows.

I could stay on this soapbox until you all decide you have had enough to stop reading, and then keep going until it’s genuinely annoying — but I’ll give it a rest. Just take my word for it. Host the dinner party, or have your favorite couple over, or reach out to that person you want to be friends with and ask them to have coffee, have a cookout, link up for happy hour but stay for dinner, sit on your living room floor and talk about everything. Have a party for no reason at all. Just make sure that when you do, you’re doing it for the right reasons. Ask people about themselves. Learn from them. Don’t just do something to take the picture of it. Ask your neighbor how they ended up here. Ask your friend about their ancestors. Don’t be embarrassed to not know something. Be the person who gives others attention. Waste your time on the people you love. This is what life is all about!

Now, in true Honeysuckle Lane fashion, I can’t close out without some recommendations. So here are my suggestions on what to bring to your next party, social gathering, etc. — as I noted in the ~subtitle of this piece~ the answer is never nothing:

• Whatever you’re drinking. This is a given. Even if the host says “don’t bring anything” bring something to drink. Whether you drink it or leave it, don’t come empty handed. I’ll typically reach for my favorite Italian red of the moment, or a Sancerre on a sunny day.

• If you’re in a rush/just going to something casual/there’s no occasion, only bringing what you’re drinking is acceptable (I guess). However, I feel like when someone is hosting you, you are in a unique situation to be able to express your gratitude for that person and the work they have put in. I recommend going at least one step, be it a baby step, beyond only bringing what you’re drinking.

• My go to— wine, a dark chocolate treat (Toblerone), and my favorite cheese of the moment (which is typically a beautiful aged parm).

• Another option is whatever you’re drinking and a *not too big* bouquet of flowers. Something easy for the host to put somewhere, perhaps a small delicate long stemmed arrangement, or a few hydrangea/peony stems. You don’t want to force them to cut and arrange a vase, or disrupt their aesthetic!

• I recently read a Substack post from one of my faves, that suggested a loaf of breakfast bread, think banana bread or coffee cake, as a host gift. A little treat for the host/ess to enjoy the next morning with their coffee. I absolutely love that idea.

• If your host is a dear friend, there’s so much opportunity to make it thoughtful and personal. A nice bag of coffee, an olive oil splurge, my sweet friends recently brought me the yummiest apricot jam and flakey salt. I felt so seen and loved!

• If the party is the kind of party that you may consider a full on gift for, look no further than Flamingo Estate. I have been loving sending their customized olive oil bottles, or personalizing an heirloom tomato candle. Their coffee table book is also epic, and I am so so curious about these strawberry fruit snacks (I simply need to know why they are $80)!

I hope you have enjoyed this week’s letter from Honeysuckle Lane! I am so grateful to all of you who take the time to read what I have to say. I hope this note empowers you to throw that dinner party or have picnic, and gets you excited for the summer ahead to sit outside and connect with the people you love.

Talk soon!

AGW